The first time I tried meditation I felt panic. My mind couldn’t find peace. I didn’t get it. I was bummed I signed up for a 3-day meditation course because now I had to commit. After 3 days I managed to hack the system by shutting my brain off. Basically falling asleep without anyone in the Yoga shala noticing.
I felt thankful like: I'm so lucky I’m not a snorer. However, I remember landing a kickflip down a curb first try while skateboarding home from the last day. Wow! Somehow I had more balance and control. Second attempt, I flicked the board effortlessly and catched it as if it was nothing. I could hear the catch of the board gripping my shoes mid-air. Only to realise I catched it sideways, landing, a little bit too fast. Effortlessly giving blood to concrete basically. When given the chance to slow down, why do I still look for loopholes and distractions to avoid feeling what's going on inside? It was around this time I started playing piano.
It started off as a kind of challenge to see if I could learn something I thought I had no talent for. Maybe if I could prove myself wrong I’d realize that anything is possible. After about a year, playing became less focused on improvement and naturally became a sort of meditation to help me process life. Songs started coming to me as if from a magical place, often with deep insight, goosebumps and tears. They helped keep my mind sane during my tireless quest to prove myself as a film director to the world, whether it was an airport piano or a hotel lobby piano on my next film gig, or home, in my kitchen with the lights dimmed. It helped bring me back when I was burned out and depressed from selling too much of my soul to the commercial world.
”Failing to Meditate” is my first piano single from my album with the same name, A homage to these moments of escapism, all those moments my mind drifted from the present. Falling asleep during meditation. Looking at the clock too many times in back of a yoga class. Looking at my phone instead of the sunset. Ultimately to face the present moment and surrender. Feeling everything catch up with me. A slap to the face. Life. Reminding me to stay humble when preaching about mental health.
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